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Tuesday, August 31, 2004
shes_a_sprite @ 8:23 AM.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 8:24 PM.
Cheers to that! ;) Tuesday, August 24, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 9:42 AM.
Emotion is always good and I live by my words, "allow emotion to bleed" I am happy for you dear, it seems that you are preparing to begin flight and for this I am happy, for this I smile. Cheers to you. ;) Thursday, August 19, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 4:39 PM.
:) heheh...I am glad you are having fun as well, but easy with the kayak. ;) Sunday, August 15, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 12:06 AM.
Saturday, August 14, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:15 AM.
Ok this is not good...I am so sorry you are hurting...I hope to talk to you soon about all this. :) *hugs* Friday, August 13, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 11:52 PM.
Thursday, August 12, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:24 PM.
shes_a_sprite @ 9:03 AM.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:36 PM.
Right on!!!! I am proud of you and back you 100% you are doing great. I really didn't think that LIT is very funny either...Obviously she has never had her heart ripped from her chest and lit on fire. ;) Keep strong and keep it simple. :) Tuesday, August 10, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 9:35 AM.
Sunday, August 08, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 4:21 PM.
I enjoyed this and I think it is well written and clean. But...you know what I will say, it is a little to rhyming to the book for me so it takes the depth away. Still beautiful words, I applaud. :) shes_a_sprite @ 3:57 PM.
New York is so wonderful and is my second home. If you have never been I suggest going, you never know when you will get a chance to go again. I will talk to you about this more later. :) Thursday, August 05, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 1:23 PM.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004 The teacher still doesn't have our papers graded, nor our tests, so I am still biting my nails on this!!!! I will hopefully know something on Monday. I hate being up in the air.
shes_a_sprite @ 11:17 PM.
Congrats on mod and I am sure you did great on your test. :) Monday, August 02, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 8:53 PM.
shes_a_sprite @ 2:09 PM.
Sunday, August 01, 2004 shes_a_sprite @ 12:59 PM.
This is indeed a dark beauty...An elegant flow which is never weighed down by heavy rhyme, or forced vocabulary. This is a perfect demonstration of emotion freely expressed. These lines were brilliant...
Life is Like~
~ a box of chocolates…. Just kidding! Because my last entry was so long, I will try to keep this on brief! Bear with me, I am about to get deep (for a blonde anyways.)
I have decided that life is like Chittanango Creek. For those of you who don’t know what the hell that means, please see Blog entry, *OUCH* and you will catch my drift! It is an awesome, one of a kind, wild ride that you can never go back through because the current of time is too strong. It is scary, some times painful, adrenaline rushing, and yet peaceful. Sometimes you hit every rock on the way through, and sometimes you just coast right on by. Sometimes the current seems too swift, and you are spinning out of control, and other times, you get stuck behind the log blocking the path and you seem to stand still. The fun part here is do you go over or under that log? Sometimes you fall out of the kayak, and get knocked around a bit on the way down stream trying to catch up to your Kayak, but those wounds heal! And those are the stories that stick with you forever!
The important thing is that no matter how strong the current, no matter how many rocks you have smashed into, no matter how rough the path ahead looks, you never give up! Whether you are carried through by the currents strength or by the strength of your own paddle is the question, but regardless, some how you just keep going… because there is no going back up stream, No turning back.
You may think there are too many rocks, or that the current too strong, but somewhere down stream it has to calm down. And the point to this is that it might be the “out of the Kayak, smashing against rocks” part of life that hurts the worst, but those are the things that make us stronger, that make us wiser, that give us something to share with others, to pass along to our children, and give us strength further upstream when things start to look a little rough again. Those are the times that we remember, because those are the times we feel.
/End philosophical moment: casually return to blonde mode/
I hope I spelled Chittanango right…
Rachel said...
It Starts!
Well, I had a wonderful trip! Saw how a normal family functions, and even normal families have aggravations! This did make me realize that I value our relationship in some ways. I can generally talk to her about anything, I think because we never had that "go to your room" stage, as I didn't live with her, that we were able to become friends. But it also made me wish for the security of a "normal family" if there really is such a thing. I would trade aggravations for disfunctional ANYDAY! I think in my heart of hearts this is why I steer clear of relationships, I mean yeah partially it is due to men being, in general, all around dicks, but mostly I fear attachment, and I have a serious trust issue. (SERIOUS) I mean if you are put through it from childhood on, by those that are supposed to love you the most, you would too!
Well I got my part time job, I am keeping it on the down low at work, bartending at a bowling alley is not a bad job, but people @ work have way too much time to stir shit up, so I am just leaving it out of the conversation. Mom is throwing a fit, says I am going to get burnt out, grandparents are throwing a fit, because they have a opinion about everything, and a negative one about bowling alleys. The hours are right though. Monday nights 1730 -2130, and Saturdays. Can't beat it, and it pays minimum wage plus tips. With a full time job, and a school schedule to work around, I couldn't have lucked out better. I will view this as good fortune even if those around me do not. At least no on can call me lazy!
Got home last night after my interview, and purchasing my books, to a hot cooked meal (very good.) First time in a while that has happened. I could tell, when I called to let her know I was enroute, that she had had a couple of beers though. I know when she drinks, by how she talks. She didn't admit it, and I didn't ask. But after dinner she was ornery, like going through withdraws, and just out and out mean. I couldn't even watch TV with her. She started going off about how Mema is positively gleeful that I am moving, because I can't stand living with her... (the general vicitmization act, why are you doing this to me type thing) blah blah blah. I know my mother and she was stabbing in the dark. Then she tried to tell me that my cousin doesn't even want to move, that he is only doing it for me. If there is an ounce of truth in that he better come forward, but again I think she was trying to hurt my feelings. Then she said that his mother doesn't want him to move, and I snapped. I said of course not, no mother wants to cut the apron strings, but his mother does support his adult decisions, and respects his wishes, and even offered to help. I then advised her that you can't pick and choose when to be a mother it is either a full time thing, or nothing. But it never has been a full time thing for her, and I think the best that I can hope for now is to salvage a friendship out of the deal. We were crazy to think we could just have a mother/ daughter relationship after all that happened anyways. But I wanted so badly to believe, that I could pick up the pieces of a broken life and fit them back together. I wanted normalcy. I wanted a family I could be proud of, rather than try to get away from.
She told me when I first moved in with her, that she would always be there, no matter what, and the first time I choose to do something not on her approved list, she backs out in full speed reverse. Story of my life. Well I have never had a mother anyways, so this is nothing new, I must have been living with my head in the clouds to actually think that she could change.
I really want to please people, and I try to live a good life. I wish with all my heart that I could have a mother that didn't have an addictive personality, and a father that didn't have an abusive mean streak! I went from awful to bad, to worse. I need to start living my life for me. My mother never lived her life for me, so why should she expect me to live my life for her. Point in fact, I told her a year ago if things did not change drastically that I was moving out. Things have not changed. I know that it is her job to try to convince me to stay. And I even understand why she wants me there, and that five year old inside, the one that never got to be a child, wants to stay and be cared for... Wants to believe in the fairytale! But that is not how it works, and four, almost five years of living with her proves that, and crushes what little hope that five yearold has. I can see that these next four months are going to be rough!
On a more positive note, my class starts tonight. Trigonometry (did I even spell it right?) I am terrible at math, so this should prove to be a difficult class, but I like the teacher I got, so hopefully that will make up for the subject matter. If I make enough money at my part time job, I am going to pay for a member ship to a fitness center with a pool. It would be nice to start swimming again. And it would get me out of the house more, and give me a place to go if I need an out. (it is open 24 hours a day!)
I got to see Niagara falls last week, at night and during the day. If you have any love for water at all, I highly recommend putting this on your todo list! MY GOD, the awesome power and beauty of this place. At night it is all lit up, and just absolutely breath taking. While during the day you just have to be impressed with God's handy work! I could really imagine that the world was flat, and that Niagara was the end... LOL! We got some awesome shots of it! I will post some at a later date! I also crossed over into Canada, (about four or five miles on foot) (and after tumbling down the side of a mountain, while chasing my Kayak, I was pretty sore) Walking proved to be hard, but the sights were so completely worth it!
I am so glad that Larry invited me. It was nice to have a vacation, and with a family, that for the most part functions with out problem. Every one has their own idiosyncrasies, mine being that I get extremely edgy when I haven't eaten... Perhaps I am hypo glycemic? I dunno, his mom's is that she has an answer for everything, a "know it all" if you will. In anon mean way though, she is never rude or condescending, but will never admit that she is wrong. His father, whom I just love, is crazy about his wife, positively worships her! He is also a card... Bowling was interesting, let me tell you! His goofiness disappeared at the first sign of trouble though ( he resized us from Chitanango Creek) the dependable, solid, capable man came out, that every one knows is there, even though he tries to conceal it by acting like a goof sometimes! They both seemed to just go along with what ever my cousin wanted. His father was all about getting him (us) on film at Niagara, and kayaking. You got the feeling that he really put his wife and kids first.
I think all women, no matter how much they say they don't (usually for security reasons) just want to be in a stable loving relationship, and eventually have children. In my heart I am a hopeless romantic, I cry during Titanic, I long to be held, but I have a tough outer shell. I really want to have a family, children to love and raise. I want to be the parent I never had, I will strive to do the best in my life now, so that I can provide them with the best for their lives. They are why I try so hard in school, they are why I don't just give up this job, and go back to serving, where I actually made some money... They are already the reason I stay the course, and they aren't even born yet. I don't want to be over protective, or smothering... ( I think this is why my mother turned out they way she did) I just want to be supportive, provide the strength and guidance, support and security, and unconditional LOVE, that every child deserves.
God this was an emotional piece! You might think I am on the rag, not so... Or you might think that I have gone over the edge... Possible but not likely... I just needed to sort through it all. I hope that the next four months doesn't go like last night. I pray that God brings his will through me, and I make the right decisions. I Pray that I do good in Trig, I pray that my mother really does quit drinking. I pray that I made the right choice in accepting the job at the bowling alley. I pray that my mom finds strands in my love, and realizes that I am not doing this to hurt her. I thank God that I have a true friend, He knows who he is, to share the trials and tribulations with. I pray...
Rachel said...
*OUCH*
Short and brief... We kayaked the Salmon river, unscathed, white water and all. It was a blast, we did somewhere between 12 and 17 miles (it was 12 by vehicle, and that was a straight shot.) So maybe we got a little cocky, or maybe they need to rename this creek. We figured we did the big bad Salmon river how bad could the creek be, right? We looked at it on the way up the mountain, and it didn't look too bad. OMG was I wrong. I wasn't in the water five minutes and my kayak flipped. That was not soooo bad, and when the kayak wasn't submerged we actually had fun.... Then we get to this 150 yard (or more) down hill run, that I spent out of my boat banging off rocks as my kayak is upsidedown, with me floating behind it.... I am one huge bruise.... I get all beached on the bank with my Kayak lodged between two rocks (completely full of water) and my paddle is back up stream oh I dunno like fifty feet, stuck in the rocks.
I look back and here comes poor Larry in the water following his kayak. He beaches across the creek More like roaring river, and has to go fetch my paddle, because I am unsure as to if anything is broken... WOW, we get my kayak out of the water, and Larry hands me the cell phone, and just then his uncle pokes his head over the guard rail (we are parallel to a roadway,) and asks if we're okay... Feebly I say "no" I have never been so happy to hear anyone's voice ever! We were rescued!
I will tell yall about the awesome ride we had yesterday, but this was a little more interesting... We are on our way to Niagara so I will check in later! Toodles!!!
Rachel said...
New York here I come!
I am finally getting away from it all. I need to get away, I need to give Mom some time to let it all sink in. She took it way too personally. She asked me "why are you doing this to me?" like I was trying to hurt her... not that I was just taking a step in my life, and how about how I feel?
I told her a year ago that I was thinking of moving, and that if things didn't change that I was going. I wanted to help her, I tried to help her. I tried everything, talking about it, not talkign about it, yelling about it, crying about it. Nothing helps. I don't understand. What is so wrong with our lives that she has to be drunk all the time? I can understand not wanting to deal with the past, but it is time to get over it. Her past was self inflicted, I didn't ask to be born... I didn't ask for them to be my parents. Now that we have been given a second chance at being a family, all she cares about is seeing the bottom of her glass.
I have lived here four years. That is four years longer than we had. Now we have a good realtionship, and I love my mom. I am going to be 25 this year, I am ready to spread my wings. Instead of helping me, she is going to shut me out and this hurts. She compared me to my father, in that I am abandoning her just like he abadoned us. I am moving like 27 miles away. I am not shutting her out of my life, I want her to help make these decisions, I want help picking out curtians, and bathroom stuff, and I know this is not going to happen...
(indulge me for a second) I see how my cousins family is reacting. (we are romming together) I wish my family was as good as his. His fathers response, well we have five trucks, and plenty of hands... I know his mom will help... how cool is that. A family that functions, a father, a mother, brothers.... Support in lifes choices.
Why is it that life is so hard? My road seems to pretty bumpy, with rocks, huge hills, pot holes, and Charlie left a huge ditch... I think I might need to build a bridge to get across it.
My head hurts from thinking about it. And then she has the audacity to tell me I can't take MY dog... because she loves him... MY dog, what the hell is that. Then she says what if I quit drinking and start smoking out side, I said it would have to be done now, I can't wait till January one to get an apartment. That is four and ahalf months... I don't see it happening. She tells me that she is going to do it, but not today. She was shit faced tonight, and passed out so cold she hasn't stirred in hours. I gave her an excuse to use no moderation basically. Everything is an excuse to drink. She never feels good anynmore, so she never does anything in the house, she is always just sleeping on the couch, or drinking in her chair. She said she was going to finish the beer she has, and quit when that is gone. Why pur off to tomorrow what you can do today. I quit smoking with three packs of cigarettes in the refridgerator... anything is possible when you set your mind to it. She won't quit until she is ready to quit, and there is nothing that I can say or do that is going to change this. I have come to accept it.
I have made up my mind that I am moving, it is the next chapter of my book, and that is that. I talked to my grandparents and they approve, they want me to stay in Williston, but they understand why I am moving. I don't see us staying in Williston. Mom tried to say that Mema told her and that she doesn't want me moving. Mema told me that she wouldn't stay. SO I think she was just stabbing in the dark.
I am looking forward to Kayaking, being on the water, away from it all will make it all better. I am not trying to burry my head in the sand, but a vacation from life would be nice. I can't wait. I am also looking forward to church tomorrow, I need a spiritual cleansing too! I think He has the power to ease it off. I have asked Him to make her better, to giver her the strength through Him to quit... I have prayed on it... but I guess He has His own plan. I have got to get going now, got a little packing that still needs to be done, and I need to check some things on PA before I go.
TTFN I will take plenty of pictures and have lots of good stuff to post when I get back...
tears
I thought this one would be a long one, and we shall see. I am not sure I feel like really getting into it yet. My eyes still burn, and my head is pounding, my face is still all puffy, and I think there are more tears in there...
I wish this was easy. I don't understand why this has to be a big deal, as though I am trying to hurt her by moving. Why would anyone want to shut someone out of their lives, just because that person is trying to take the next step in their life? Why is it that I am the perfect daughter so long as I do things the way she sees fit... I am simply trying to spread my wings, and she is trying to pluck my feathers... and it hurts. I don't feel like writing any more right now... I will have to get into it later. I am still letting every thing sink in.
Rachel said...
Better picture of Draco next to a squeaky toy... he weighed .3 pounds then... Tell me he is not cute... go ahead 
"Between the Shores"
It calls to me, echoing in my heart
Desire to be freed from the chains of society
Go back, out there, to where the cycle starts
Where refreshing are the sights and sounds
Cool, crisp, water slaps upon my oars,
As my kayak slides across the surface
Calm is the water against the shores
Quite is the whispering tickle of the wind.
Peace and solace in the world of nature
Sooths and pacifies this turbulent soul
Thoughts of a whim in my mind mature
As the wild birds sing to their mates
A happy rain dances across the surface
As the sun shines through the clouds
Glide through the water with a visible trace
Though the ripples will soon be erased
Cool raindrops splash into the water
And cover me in sparkling apparel
A loving embrace as that of a mother
Washing away the wear of the day
All evidence of my presence here
In this world apart from mine
Passes behind me as I steer
And dwindles as I paddle on
The harsh relentless worries of reality
Are gently lifted from my shoulders
While this glittering water is surrounding me
I am at peace with myself once more
The musical rhythm of the oars
The pleasant burn in my muscles
The beauty of the eagle that sores
The picturesque perfect of this day
The sun sinks lower on the horizon
Painting a sky full of vivid color
Throwing in the water a million diamonds
As the kayak pushes up on the shore
The sun says this day is near an end
My heart says it will live forever
The peacefulness has set a trend
All evidence of my presence is gone
Except what remains in my memory.
"Lust's Worst Fear"
My body quivers from your caress,
Your warm sweet breath on my cheek.
Your fingertips trace along my breasts,
The pulse quickens in my chest.
You nibbled softly on my ear,
Sending chills along my spine.
I sighed loud enough for you to hear,
Losing you is lust's worst fear.
Your hands explored my aching needs,
Longing, Passion, Lust, and Sin
My hungry moan sounds near a plea,
I know that you will take the lead.
I beseech your body to take me,
The desire has consumed.
I need to feel your ecstasy,
Quench my insatiable anxiety.
The eager rising of my hips to meet,
Your hands upon my thighs.
The moister of my essence greets,
Match your strong erotic beat.
Your tumescence touches my inner core,
As our enmeshed bodies turn.
The pillows fall unto the floor,
You leave me wanting more.
Smiling, amused, I open my eyes,
Lust's worst fear comes true.
You were not there to my surprise,
My loneliness is my demise.
It was a dream, you were not real,
I hide my disarray.
There was no touch, I could not feel.
The lingering ghost of you.
~*~
Okay the closer Friday draws, the more sure I become of my decision to move out. I am sure that this is the chapter in my little book of life. I have considered it for a year and a half now, I have thought on it, prayed on it, weighed the pros and cons of it, and I am certian that this is what I want to do.
However, the closer Friday draws, the worse I sleep. I keep replaying all the different ways this conversation could go. I imagine the easy way out, in that I don't even mention the real reasons that I am moving... but that just wouldn't be honest, and dishonesty is not in my nature. More than anything I want her to get better, and I don't think that is going to happen with out a serious change. Maybe this will worsen it, but on the flip side, perhaps this is simply what she needs to be nudged in the right direction. The point is, that it is tearing away at my soul. Today is my final, and including this sentence, I have thought about that for a total of maybe three minutes. Now those of you who know me, are asking what hospital do I need to be rushed to. It is just not like me not to sweat my finals, or any test for that matter.
This is ruling my thought process. Well that and my throbbing knee. I twisted the hell out of my knee this morning. I actually had to go home and change shoes to help ease it off! I will live, but I am starting to wonder if my knee is ever going to heal right, you would think three surgeries would fix it...
I am applying for a part time bartending job toningt. I hope I get it, keep your fingers crossed. I think it will be a good way to 1) earn a little extra money to save for January 2) get me out of the house a little more and 3) a way to meet more people. Who knows... I can't remain a cold hearted bitch forever... LOL One of my friends called me a LIT... (lesbian in training) I didn't think it was all that funny... but you can call me anything you want, School and work are first in my life right now, in an essence I am putting me first for the first time in my life, and it takes sacrafice. I think that it is totally worth it!!
Rachel said...
Busy busy busy
I have a final on Wednesday so I won't be on much till after that. Then it will be all over with, Until the 24th when the vicious cycle starts all over again and with trigonometry at that.
I think I will tell mom on Friday night. *gulp* This will give her a week to cool down, which is good. I expect yelling, and crying, and guilt trips, and ultimatum, and god knows what else. I also expect to address the drinking issue. The fact that the only reason she is a functioning alcoholic right now is (as my rock put it) because I am there to pick up the pieces, and make it look like it is functioning. It really bothers me that I can't fix this. That I can't make it better. No matter what I do, I can't help. It is something she will have to do for herself.
I have already started saving for January. I have my pet deposit already to go, and working on my security... :)
Well this is all for now. I will leave you with my favorite quote:
"To see a world in a grain of sand, and a heaven in a wild flower. To hold infinity in the palm of your hand, an eternity in an hour"
William Blake~
"break these chains"
It weighs upon a heavy heart,
a shadow creeping from the dark,
reminiscent of the times of old,
the memories of things untold.
It haunts my every waking hour,
a captivating and hypnotic power.
An emptiness that's cold and deep,
void of trust and love complete.
Sorrow seen within mine eyes,
a glimpse of that which defies.
Alone I fight against a ghost,
the past is what I fear the most.
Until I break these chains that bind,
darkness in my heart you'll find.
Freedom on this day I seek,
from the past that's made me weep.
okay so I felt creative~
Rachel said...
Reflecting-
I feel a bit silent today, as I reflect on my feelings. I had a good cry last night thanks to my rock. He just seemed to know I needed it, and drove around till it happened. I feel relieved that it is not all bottled up inside anymore, and I am able to think on things a little more clearly. I think I will tell her in two weeks, give her financial situation some time to get settled, and then talk to her about it.
I canceled my beach vacation, too expensive. I have been offered an opportunity to go to New York for a week, and am thinking of going. I have never taken a full week off from work before, nor have I ever been to New York... But the rational side of me says don't spend the money, save it for January when I move out. I dunno, perhaps I'll spend 50 bucks and get a membership to the pool, and save the vacation money for move in fees. Evil side of me says go, rational side says stay. Always an internal battle...
That is really all I feel like saying right now, I still have a lot of reflecting to do, and sometimes that is better done between me and the mirror. Uh - oh I feel a poem coming on.
I wanted to thank my rock, for gently nudging me when I needed it, and for listening when I needed it, and for becoming the shoulder (much softer than the rock) when I needed it. Everyone needs someone like that in their lives.
Rachel said...
A ton on my mind... a ton to read...
So much to do, so little time! I need to study... I would love to have the time to sit down and write... I have so much to say to my blog, I need to clean house, my office (at home) is a disaster...
I have decided a couple of things:
1. I am going to rent Hidalgo on the way home and watch it tonight, and worry about everything else tomorrow.
2. I am going to take the time to write in my journal tonight... I don't care if it is the crappiest poem ever, I am going to put some thoughts on paper.
I am not sure what to do about something. I have decided to get an apartment with my cousin, best friend, like-a-brother, Larry.... As I mentioned before, I don't think my living arrangements are conducive to healing, but this is another topic. I don't want to hurt my mother, but I am twenty four, I moved in with mom 3.5 years ago to get my sh*t together. I had just come out of the relationship with "he who shall never be named" and lost my (would be) son
interrupted thought... Rant/
(his son who I had raised for 2.5 years, who called me momma, that pain is just as horrible as my biological child being still born, because I held him when he was sick, loved him always, taught him how to talk, walk and tie his shoes, how to throw a ball, and being of no actual relation, I never see him... I will always wonder... And pray that he is okay... okay I have issues with that back to what I lost...) end rant/
my man, my home, my dog, my cat, our friends, my job (I had just injured my knee and have had three subsequent surgeries) and so on. I was at rock bottom. I needed to start over. Now for some very personal reasons, that I don't want to get into, I had not lived with my mother since I was 7... so I moved in with her (where I pay my own way) and we hit it off great. We were given a second chance at happy. Only I don't seem to make her happy. Anyways, I know that she is very happy to have me home, she is kind of clingy, which is okay. She doesn't boss me, as I am not a child, but she has her grip so tight her knuckles are white. You can't go back, I am never going to be seven again. Even now that I am home she still dwells on the past, and every time she picks up that can, or that bottle, I am reminded of it, the past I am trying to get over, there are corners of my life that I don't even allude to in my poetry. That is how deep it goes...
Point to all of this, and I swear there is one... It has bothered me for a long time, I mentioned to her a year ago that I was thinking of moving out when I graduated with my AA and moving to the town where I will be attending school with Larry. She flipped, promised to do better and then immediately forgot her promise. Then she tells me that she is depending on the money that I pay her, to get by. How can I live with myself, if this is true, and I think it is now that she changed jobs, she makes less... I am not giving her an ultimatum, I am moving out, but how do I tell her, what do I say. I am ready to stand on my own two feet again. I need to move on with my life. There is nothing but broken memories in the town that I live in. I am not running away, I am moving on! You put one foot in front of the other, and the next step will get you where you are goingb, right?
Am I a miserable daughter, abandoning her mother? Or is that mother always going to make me feel like this for trying out my wings? Is it ever going to be the right time? I hate to say it, but if it is this bad when I live with her, I hate to think what it will be when I leave.
I have sooooo much more going through me right now. I know that she lies to me. Stupid little things. Doesn't she realize that I have to love her, to have forgiven and come back? She doesn't need to lie, to make me like her better, or to cover for coming home early, I know she has a problem, and she knows I know... Don't lie to me. Me above all people she should be honest with! You have no idea how much this erks me. I have been there for her thick and thin, but then she will say the most bold faced lie, to my face.
I.E (this means example)... She told me that she went to the doctor, (on a day I knew she was at work, but hey okay, she could have had an apt. During the day) and that he found pre cancers on her female workings, and that he removed them. She didn't tell me for a week, but instead used that as an excuse to go on a week long binge (a week later.) and then said she had to get a historectomy in September... I mentioned it to her last week, and she said oh I probably won't get it done... (if this was cancer would you play games, fact being I knew she wasn't having it, because she never went to the doctor, I asked her who her doctor was and she said mine, funny, he doesn't know my mother) why make up these elaborate stories?
Now she has completely stopped doing all house work... She sweeps the kitchen everynow and then... I come home and she is either two sheets to the wind, or passed out in her chair. Great huh? But what do you do? This is my mother, and like it or not she has problems... I can deal with problems, but I can't deal with being lied to. She lies to everyone so why should I feel privlidged?
Okay... Those are just a few of the things going on in my head... in my home... And who said blondes couldn't be deep. I really don't know what to do. I feel almost guilty for wanting to try to start my life.
Thanks for reading, It helped just to get it down...
~*~Yawn~*~
I am so tired, and on the way to bed, I will post tomorrow, but I wanted to let yall know my good news. I just made moderator on Poetry Array... Which may not seem like a big deal, but I am completely new to the online community thing, and I really love it. I spend all of my free time there! I love to write, obviously, and PA helped to bring that back into my life.
I am going to bed now, more tomorrow... ;) Good night all!
Rachel said...
This is my Draco! He is a 4.4 pound teacup chihuahua... The coolest dog to ever walk the earth... His color is blue on his papers which looks pretty gray to me.
Nail biter~
*Bites nails* I have a test tonight... Studied some, okay for those of you who know me, I studied some, for those of you who don't some may be considered a lot... But I don't have that positive feeling I usually have before a test... Then I have my Final on the 11th.... That means I have two more classes to go over the rest of the material... I hate summer classes. Don't get me wrong, American history is not a bad subject... But we are going over a ton of material in a short time, less than 6 weeks. OUCH! *no nails left to bite, switches to lip*
I hope I get my paper back, I would feel better if I knew I had a good grade on it... (good by my standards means 90 and up) My stomach is doing it's flip flop thing as it always does when I get stressed... Having a nervous stomach is no fun...
I am going for now, I may or may not try to post more later, it depends on how upset I feel after my test... Keep your fingers crossed (while not typing, typing with crossed fingers is pretty difficult...)
"Moth's Embrace"
Darkness falls
and swallows me
no light
that I can see
An endless cold
resides within
more bitter than
an arctic wind
Empty sails
on a windless sea
no hope
of ever sailing free
Imagined chains
bind me here
yet its not the end
I fear
Happiness taunts
my memory
with pleasant thoughts
I almost see
A moth's embrace
is just like me
drawn to false light
illusions that I see
Fluttered wings
leave dusty marks
kisses on my soul
naked I am stark
A deserts stretch
my nubile pain
dry and endless
a vital drain
A lonely creature
pull it in
no one to share
the gravest of all sin
Rachel said...
"Fluttered wings
leave dusty marks
kisses on my soul
naked I am stark"
I applaud your work here with this piece, I have seen a progression in your writing. Well done! :)
About me
Name : Heather
Age : 25
School : UF
Location: Gainesville, FL
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Just a woman trying to find her way.
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then I have reached my goal.
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I agree with Bonnie no matter how much flack I give you at times. You do need to really consider if you are just looking for reasons to end it now as to “protect” yourself. If you do seriously want to consider him in a relationship then be honest with him. Tell him that you have very little time and what you do have you won’t be able to spend every minute with him. If he cannot respect that and then tries to absorb all of your time then you have justification to ax him. But, if you don’t tell him that you can’t spend all your time with him then he is going to try and monopolize your time. I mean isn’t that what we guys are taught, that your women wants you to focus on her as much as possible (walking the thin line between stalker and good boyfriend). Just think about it, and if you decide to keep him around for a little while longer then talk to him. There will be time for making families later.
4:40 PM
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